but I will try to.
I haven’t felt this good in a long time. going to california and riding the greyhound back east gave me closure on a tumultuous chapter of my life. it was a great chapter. it was a chapter that makes the reader go “ahhhh!’ but not scared, just cathartic (maybe a little scared, depending on which lines you read between.)
I loved Los Angeles. Hollywood was a trip and so was the beach and the smog and the stars and the beautiful people and the not so beautiful people and the glimmer and glam and heartache and frustration and high prices and good smells and traffic traffic traffic and cookies with ice cream and seeing people I love and meeting people I really like.
I want to live there. I probably won’t for awhile. I’ll visit often, I need to. I am infected by city myth.
I feel motivated. I got a job as a cleaner in a high school after hours. it’s not glamourous but if it makes me dollars then that means the sooner I will be out of upstate NY. not that it’s that bad lately. I just want to be somewhere else. I think that will be portland. I hope I get into PSU. but if I don’t, I’m moving to L.A. I’m insanely obsessed, maybe because I feel like it’s somewhere that is so unknowable that it is my duty to try and know it.
I’m going to visit owen in brooklyn in a couple of weeks. I want to go dancing and get drunk and ride the subway. I want to find a club that is playing old soul music or garage rock or both. it’s new york, it exists.
jimmy might move to georgia. he also might become a gumball delivery driver.
ashley is leaving austin and is going to work on a farm in new mexico, where I will then pick her up and we’ll road trip across the desert and up the coast.
natalie will likely move to portland and we’ll ride our bicycles together out there.
alexa is working for a celebrity blog where she gets to have an alias.
the people I know and the lives we lead are incredible.
is this life as unique as I hope it is?
(I’m finally beginning to feel a bit authentic…reading salinger all the time eventually acts as reverse psychology)
I’m going to design a bananafish and wheat-paste it about town.
Next week I’m going to start volunteering at the local used bookstore.
I traded 50 books for
a collection of Harold Pinter plays
who’s afraid of virginia wolff
intro to zen
a book of poems by edna st. vincent millay
the pinter play “the birthday party” is frustrating me because the characters are so terse but I keep reading because in their terseness I become interested. it’s a complex relationship.
today I was intellectually defeated by a man who has a phd in physics. I commend him. I usually can ‘win’ a conversation based solely on my charm and ability to talk in circles that get progressively tighter.
my addiction to the news is subsiding. but I have noticed that obama is getting closer and closer to making us into a socialist country. hooray!
i want to paint canvasses. but only one solid, bright color on each. it’s not art, I don’t care about art. I want color. looking at a bright color is like drinking coffee.
all the snow is almost gone.
I want some new clothes. it’s been awhile and to be honest my insides are telling me that my style has changed. I am still dressing like a new yorker. i want to dress like me. does that mean I cover myself in brown paper bags? no, I’m am an ornamentalist. i like nice clothes.
i’m going to start reading urban critical theory. i want to go to ucla for my phd in urban planning. then I can teach anywhere in the world and research whatever I want. mmm, urban art movements!
a poem I wrote on the plane to visit jim in london in 2007:
You look like scrambled eggs.
Rouge is thinly spread ketchup
with mascara straying under lashes
like flecks of pepper.
in the reality of daybreak
you burn and set off
the smoke detector.
You’re beautiful covered in char
and flavor.
With a cup of tea,
I eat you in a hurry,
late for work.
the violent femmes are so fucking cool and it took me so long to realize it. and so are the talking heads. all music has a time and a place I suppose.
i’m shaving my beard tomorrow. my face will feel sharp again.
1) cookies with ice-cream – that applies to me! people you met in la that you really like…that also applies to me 🙂>>2) i am so glad you are going to read whose afraid of virginia wolf…i don’t think you’ll regret it>>3) hi
hey lady,>>did you get my letters?
hey lady…did you get mine?
I did! I’ll leave it at that.>>keep an eye on your mailbox…